Secrets
by kalahae
Summary: "How very ironic, to be in love with your imminent death."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: For those of you who read ****Devil's Dealings, ****I'm posting this to sort of make up for my lack of updating. Originally, it was going to be a simple one-shot but I changed my mind when I began to get more ideas. DD chapter 5 is in progress and will be up soon :)**

**I've never tried writing anything like this before, but I wanted to try to imagine exactly how Ciel and Sebastian would feel if something like this were to happen, and that's how my idea for this story came to be. I hope you all enjoy chapter one. If you find any mistakes down below, please feel free to point them out! If you find this a story worth continuing, then reviews would be appreciated, as feedback is the best encouragement! **

**Disclaimer: Kuroshitsuji belongs to Yana Toboso, along with its characters.**

**Warnings: This story is Male-Male, if that makes you uncomfortable, I suggest you don't read any further. **

Chapter One

How very ironic, to be in love with your imminent death. It is an irrational notion, a senseless and traitorous belief that I withhold such feelings for my inevitable destruction. I have lived with it for many years, been perturbed by it, threatened by the force that lulls me towards the venomous trap when I am in my darkest moments, and even so, I fail to comprehend it.

Hence the very day I fell into the demon's wicked promise have I been blinded, blinded by the velvet voice that vows to grant me my deepest desires, only to rightfully tear them from my grasp, vanishing along with me into the emptiest hollows that will become my obliteration.

Another unreasonable part of me turns away from the love that is daily presented to me, unable to reciprocate, unwilling to simply progress to live my life a withering lie, as if I would wrong Elizabeth with any assurance that I will exist as long as she walks the Earth. Perhaps I am sheltering her, as I have long wished to protect her feelings and conserve her innocence, to conceal her eyes beneath a blindfold which the filth of the world could not penetrate; perhaps I cannot return the same love to my wife because it does not exist—rather, it exists for someone other than she.

My attempts to come to terms with the horrid assumption that I love my demon are futile, bringing about stirrings in the pit of my stomach and the most unbecoming shades of red to my face.

I am having no such luck now, as I sit on my predecessor's large wooden desk, tapping my finger rhythmically on the edge as I stare at my busied butler with cold eyes. I have no doubt that he is taking his sweet time organizing my book shelf, dusting the surface with a slowness that makes me twitch. I am certain he is aware of my staring, as he is aware of many things, and I wonder if there is anything about me he does not know. It is undeniable that he can read me better than any book, and I oft tell myself that my most private thoughts cannot be heard even by his ears. That, however, is an unconvincing statement.

My demon turns to me then, his raven locks swaying before falling at rest to frame his milky pale face. He regards me with calm, crimson eyes that I cannot read, try as I might. He parts his devilish lips and says in the smoothest of voices, "Is there anything else that you require, my lord?"

He emphasizes the phrase _my lord_, it is something he's been doing with frequency, and I do not know why. There is a sort of bitterness in his tone, as well as a mockery that is impossible to miss, but that is just Sebastian, and I do not think too hard on it nor do I trouble myself trying to understand his nature. I lean back into my chair and tilt my chin up, my eyes coming to a comfortable close.

"My knot. It's become loose."

I am pathetic. I realize that as I feel the warmth of Sebastian's warm hands over my neck. I feel naught but repulsed by my own actions, a poor excuse to keep the demon within my company. A voice in my head taunts, _he knows_, but I ignore it.

Sebastian is finished too quickly, tying my loose necktie in a matter of seconds, standing before me in his dutiful stance and perfectly squared shoulders, hands stiff at his sides, his immobility resembling perfection and professionalism all at once.

"Will that be all?" he asks once more.

I look around the room as if I were to find some last minute task for him, but I know that Sebastian has far more important things to do than deal with my silly trifles, and yet, I can't help but wish I had previously made a mess of the place so that he could be occupied just a little longer, so that I could observe him and try to analyze my desire for him to its very core, to understand what it is that drives me to want him in every sense of the word.

I break our silent gaze as I return my attention to the scattered pile of papers before me, picking up my pen to create the illusion that I am hard at work, when in reality my thoughts have kept me from exactly that.

"Yes, that will be all. You are dismissed, Sebastian." I bite my tongue as if to still the pleasantness his name leaves behind. I must admit I spoke his name merely because I like the way it sounds. Calling to him by a name I chose fills me with a sense of possession that both excites and frightens me.

Sebastian bows swiftly, and as he walks towards the door of my study my eyes lift to watch him go, shamelessly lingering over the demon's clothed rump. I swallow back the lump in my throat as he silently shuts the door. I am vile. I do not even feel that kind of attraction towards Elizabeth, my own wife. I find myself relieved that Elizabeth is still a young girl at heart and has no desire to engage with me sexually. I, however, grow tired of having only my hand as my sexual companion, and as the nights progress I feel that it will no longer suffice. To suggest to Elizabeth any form of intercourse would be an outrage; she would surely be offended and, were her mother to find out, she'd have my head on a silver platter for dinner. Besides, I have no intentions of tainting Elizabeth's innocence with my male impulses. She is more like a sister to me than an object that I can use for my own pleasure.

I sigh, dropping the pen once more and pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and index finger. I should be focusing on my company, not on my libido. My stomach growls and I crave something sweet. I hesitate to call Sebastian because I've summoned him to my study more than enough times today, and I do not want it to be so blatantly obvious that I want to see him. My stomach growls again, and with a scowl I give into my hunger.

I rise from my chair and raise my arms high over my head as I stretch, my bones popping with an irritating crack. With lazy movements, I round my desk and stand in front of it, leaning against it as I fold my arms over my chest.

"Sebastian."

I don't think a minute passed before the demon was in my study.

"Yes, young master?"

Looking into those pools of red makes my mind go blank for an instant. I blink, ignoring the need to clear my throat.

"I'm hungry," I say. "But I don't want food. I want something sweet."

Sebastian frowns; I know how much he is bothered by my prevalent sweet tooth. "I fear that it would not be wise, my lord, not an hour before supper."

"Tch." I turn, walking back to my desk and circling it before I drop down on my chair. "To hell with supper. I need sugar."

"You need food," Sebastian contradicted. "I will prepare a dessert for you to eat after dinner, if you'd like, but you are very well aware that I do not like to allow your appetite to be spoiled."

My mood lightened slightly at the prospect of having dessert, which meant it would be much more elaborate than a quick fix. I found myself eager to see what Sebastian had in store for me.

"Fine," I say, hiding my eagerness behind tightly pursed lips. "Make sure it's excellent, since you've insisted on making me wait."

"Of course, young master." Sebastian smirks, and it is the first time that I have seen it in days. My stomach flutters, his smirk vanishing as quickly as it came. I place my head on the cool surface of my desk, the contact cold against the hot flesh of my cheek.

I'm sure Sebastian finds it amusing that this scenario has been occurring since I was twelve years old, and, to this day, Sebastian never obliges when I demand sweets. The thought makes me blush; I feel like a pathetic crushing school girl, and I want to kick myself repeatedly in hopes that I may, quite literally, beat the unwelcome feelings out of my system.

* * *

><p>Preparation for bed is a stressful event. As I sit on the edge of my bed, my fingers twitch at my sides and I yearn for Sebastian to tear off the damned buttons of my nightshirt and run his hands over my body like I want to run my hands over his. Even though I have turned eighteen not long ago, Sebastian continues to dress me routinely. I never ordered him to leave me to assist myself, because if I cease to need his assistance, he will cease to be around. I don't want him to stop.<p>

I am conflicted in too many ways than I could dare to count, for how could someone who considers himself strong and independent insist to rely on his butler for every day needs? The more I think about it, the more angered I become with myself.

"Something's troubling you," Sebastian murmurs, his breath fanning over my face as he kneels in front of me, our faces level with each other, separated by mere inches.

He can probably see it in my eyes, or my soul, I do not know which. I can't hide anything from this ever-knowing devil.

"Nothing of major importance," I assure him, twisting my sapphire ring around my thumb as I avert my eyes. I am unconvincing and a pitiful liar.

Sebastian sees right through my facade. His eyes take on a sympathetic glint. "It is one of my many jobs to ease my master's mind. I am here to service you. Ask anything of me and I will deliver it to you without hesitation, Ciel."

My heart is racing and I cannot stop myself from blushing. Sebastian and I dropped a lot of the formalities when I became of age, but hearing my name come from his lips never fails to fill me with erratic emotions. I hear Sebastian say things like this to me all of the time, as it is his job, but there was something different in his tone of voice that had me reacting in completely inappropriate ways. Only Sebastian could make saying my name sound so intimate. This close to him, it was impossible to hide what I was feeling.

"I know," I say simply. "but I'm afraid there's nothing you can do." That isn't a complete lie. Sebastian could, in many ways, provide me with much needed relief, but he could never reciprocate the feelings I've developed for him over the years. No matter what I say or do, he will be the one to take my life in the end, and there is no way around it. Some silly human emotions would not deter him from consuming my soul, not in my wildest fantasies.

"Do you doubt my abilities?" Sebastian says dejectedly, feigning a look of hurt.

"No," I say quickly. "I will never doubt you, Sebastian. Even if my world comes crashing down around me and I am left with nothing but the ruins of what once was, alone and abandoned, I will not doubt you."

At this confession, Sebastian's brows furrow. "Are you concerned that I may abandon you, young master?"

I fidget for a moment, planning my answer carefully. I wouldn't be liar if I say yes, because I am always afraid that Sebastian will betray me as I have seen many of my dear ones do, and admitting to that fear was easier than confessing my love to the devil.

"I know you won't," I say hoarsely. The intensity of Sebastian's eyes makes me weak in the knees, and I feel lightheaded just thinking about how his lips would feel trailing over my bare skin. Every part of me is burning; it takes every ounce of my willpower not to reach out and pull Sebastian to me.

"Never," Sebastian hissed. He clasped my hand between his gloved ones and stretched my fingers over his chest, where his heart would be if he had one. "I swear on everything I am, Ciel Phantomhive, I will be by your side 'till you are the last man standing."

I want to kiss him then, and God I wish I would have. His face is so close to me I can almost taste his lips on mine. I've shared a few kisses with Elizabeth, but I imagine that it would never compare. He's watching me intently; I clear my head in fear that he may be able to read my thoughts. I don't want him to know about this crazed desire that rages through me day by day, and yet I want him to realize what I'm feeling, I long for him to break the boundary neither of us is willing to cross. It's a never-ending game, pride and morals hanging in a thin string, challenging one another to break.

Sebastian breaks our gaze, closing his eyes. His long lashes brush the smooth porcelain skin of his face; he brings my hand to his mouth and places a brief kiss over my knuckles.

"Now, put those foolish thoughts to rest and get some sleep. Staying up late is bad for your health." Sebastian's lips brush my knuckles as he speaks, and I shiver.

Sebastian stands up and gently pushes me down on my mattress, pulling the blankets up to my chin. Elizabeth hates the fact that Sebastian still puts me to bed, but it is a habit that will never grow old. I rejected Elizabeth's offer to share the bed with her because I'm not ready to give up my demon tending to every one of my needs. I'm selfish, I'll admit that.

Sebastian places another kiss to my forehead, whispering goodnight before he retreats. I am left feeling flustered. Was he showing me affection, sympathizing with me? Is he merely acting upon what he feels he should do as my butler?

I roll over on my side, clutching at my sides to try to still the fluttering in my stomach. Coddling is not part of butlers' aesthetics, I know that. I am a grown man; I know Sebastian does not wish to coddle me. In moments like these, I begin to truly wonder if, perhaps, there is a part of Sebastian that feels for me beyond a raging desire to eat my soul, a part of him that yearns for my presence rather than viewing it as his eternal obligation.

I bury my face in my pillow, sinking into my mattress and feeling as though I were simultaneously sinking into my despair. I clutch at my pillow, holding it close, envisioning it was Sebastian instead, wrapping me in his warmth as our bodies press together. I roll onto my back, eyes closed, picturing my demon hovering over me, his long bangs tickling my face as he looks down at me, whispering sweet nothings. I know I'm sappy for such girlish fantasies, but I don't care.

I run my hand down my side, ignoring that it was my own in favor of picturing Sebastian's hand running over the length of my body. I stop at the hem of my nightshirt, as Sebastian would if he were teasing me, slowly trailing kisses down my torso.

My hand slips into my drawers, and I'm ashamed to find myself fully aroused with only my thoughts to stimulate me. I wrap my fingers around the hard length, giving the tip a gentle squeeze. My breath hitches, my free hand clutching at the bed sheets.

I've never seen Sebastian naked, but I'd caught a glimpse of him shirtless a few years ago by chance and that image is one I'll never forget, as I would very much like to see him, for once, without his butler attire. I give it my best efforts, however, the vivid image of my concept of Sebastian's naked body driving me further. I bite my lower lip harshly as I move my hand in up-and-down motions, building up a pace that progressively quickens.

I picture Sebastian, almost able to feel the heat that radiates from his body whenever he's near. My stomach tightens, and I fear that I may no longer be able to refrain from telling him everything.

I wipe away excess precum with my thumb, swallowing back a whimper. I wonder, then, how will he react? Will he be disgusted, repulsed? Does he share the same desires as I, is it possible that he may _love _me?

I can feel my climax nearing, it's no surprise that my rationality is gone. There is only one voice in my head, urging me to call out to him—I know that he will come, and I don't want to be away from him any longer.

"S-Seb…"

_I love you, Ciel. _

The phrase unexpectedly pops into my mind, his name is cut short as soon as I come, coating my stomach with the god-awful sticky substance. I sit up, wiping my dirtied hand on my shirt and burying my face in my knees as my breathing evens out. My face is burning, there's no doubt that I resemble a tomato. I hope to God that Sebastian didn't hear me. No matter what I'm feeling at any given moment, he must not know of any of the feelings I battle with, every day, because of him. I know that Sebastian cannot fathom love; I will never hear those words come from his mouth.

For as long as I live, my love for the devil must remain what it is now—a secret.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I am so very sorry for the delay! I was away during thanksgiving break and I did not have my laptop with me. I'm quite busy with school and life and such, but I always find time to get some writing done. This chapter is still relatively short but I will work on making them longer. Please enjoy, and as always, inform me of any mistakes you have found or any criticism you would like to make. Review if you'd like to share your opinions; I'd love to hear them. :)**

** Pointless fun fact: the nightmare described in this chapter is one that I actually had in real life! It was quite difficult to put into words just how terrifying it really was.**

** Disclaimer: I don't own Kuroshitsuji or any of the characters used in my story. **

** Warnings: Small sexual scene, nothing too major, but it is between two males. If that makes you uncomfortable in any way, I suggest you read something else. Adultery is a very strong theme in this fic—should that count as a warning? Also, language. **

Chapter Two

As much as I would have _adored _spending my day sitting at my desk bent over a stack of paperwork, I chose instead to allow myself a little break to step outside and breathe fresh air as I walked in the garden. I am rather fond of our garden; over the years, Finny became especially skilled in landscaping and always brings appreciative awe to our guests. The cold winter weather is slowly fading away, trees coming back to life in vibrant green colors and giving Sebastian the perfect chance to start gardening again. I never order Sebastian to plant, but I have noticed it is something he enjoys.

I stop along a hedge where I can see roses tucked away from sight, sleeping, and I have no doubt they're white. I almost smile as a memory comes to mind.

Sebastian and I were visiting someone of major importance in France, invited to a mansion that, if placed beside each other, would put Phantomhive manor to shame. I wasn't blown away by the simplistic garden or the expensive décor inside of the mansion, but I took a liking to the Lord's greenhouse (he was rather fond of gardening, as well) and I spent a considerable amount of time admiring the flowers which he'd so delicately planted.

_"Do you like those, young master?"_

_ Sebastian was standing behind me as I observed the dozens of white roses before me. They represented purity—something I'd never hope to become familiar with—and perhaps that is why I was so very fond of them. They reminded me of Elizabeth, pure, innocent, and untainted. For a moment I had a fleeting idea to bring her a bouquet of white roses home, but I changed my mind. I could entertain romantic notions if only a brief instant; never have I felt compelled to go through with such ideas. _

_ I ran my thumb gently over the rose, feeling the softness of the petals, before accidentally pricking my thumb on the thorns whilst attempting to pluck the rose from the bush. I withdrew my hand and stepped back._

_ "Yes," I murmured, examining the drop of blood that seeped out of my skin. "I like them a lot."_

Sebastian acknowledged my response in silence, and when we left France I was certain I'd never see such roses again until I stepped outside one day to find them in full bloom, proud and beautiful sporadically placed on the hedges. I remember how my heart thrummed in my chest, and I turned around unsurprised to find Sebastian standing a few feet from me, watching my reaction. I searched his face long and hard for any signs of smugness or even a trace of his egotistical smirk, finding naught but a kind smile that vanished so quickly I was sure I'd imagined it. The warmth in Sebastian's eyes was of genuine satisfaction that I was touched by his spontaneous gift. I never thanked Sebastian for that.

I revert back to reality, swallowing back a lump in my throat. I'd told Elizabeth that the roses were special to me because she resembled them in all her innocence, but when I look at the roses I think of Sebastian—oh, the utter irony of it all, as he is anything but pure.

I walk back inside the manor soon after, as it is still chilly outside and there is not much left to contemplate. The manor is quiet, the servants busied with tasks and Elizabeth out in town with Paula. I know that I should stop putting off the paperwork since Elizabeth should undoubtedly like to pester me the minute she arrives. I work well into the afternoon, managing to doze off after reading through more letters than I could care to count. I wake to a gentle shaking of my shoulder followed by a smooth, even voice.

"This is hardly the appropriate place to sleep," Sebastian reprimands lightly. I groan in return, lifting my head from my arm to find it asleep and tingling rather painfully, a large red mark left where my head previously rested.

"Headache," I grumble, shrugging Sebastian's hand off my shoulder and stretching my arms, leaning back into my chair. My eyelids droop, and I have no desire to shake my drowsiness.

"I'm surprised you haven't stressed yourself into a coma," Sebastian mutters, then sighs. "Young master, at least let me carry you to bed."

At that, my eyes snap open. "That's preposterous, Sebastian. You take me for a child."

Sebastian smiles. "You _are _a child, young master, but I was simply offering my help."

"It's not needed," I retort, dignified, though the idea of being held like a bride in Sebastian's arms doesn't entirely repulse me—not that I'd ever admit that out loud. Especially after comparing myself to a _bride_.

"Shall I wake you for dinner, or would you prefer not to be disturbed?" Sebastian asks as he trails behind me, walking across the hallway to my bedroom.

"If I sleep through dinner, so be it," I reply, not particularly hungry. My head is throbbing and the only thing I desire is my bed.

Sebastian opens my bedroom door for me and gazes at me pointedly. "I do hope you are not under the impression that you will go the entire night without eating."

I walk past him, yanking at my tie and tossing it onto the floor, rolling my eyes as I do so. "Yes, because God forbid I skip one meal."

"Yes, because _I _forbid you skip one meal." The door is closed with a silent click; I am already sitting at the edge of my bed when Sebastian approaches me to begin to undo the buttons of my shirt.

The routinely task is done in silence. Once in my nightgown, I crawl under my covers and turn my back to Sebastian.

"I'll be back when you wake," Sebastian says before telling me a brief goodnight and exiting. Sleep is pulling at me strongly and before I know it I'm unconscious.

I had strange, vivid dreams of darkness. I can see myself, but nothing else. It's pitch black, not a single trace of light in sight. I feel as though I'm floating in space, until I realize I'm swimming. I can feel my arms and legs moving through water, but I can't see where I'm going. There's nothing but black ocean for miles; the black sky goes on forever with no moon and no stars. I blink my eyes to make sure they're not closed. I've never felt so blind and I begin to panic. How long will I swim? Will I ever reach the light or will I forever swim in this endless dark ocean?

There's a hand on my forehead, pushing away my sticky bangs out of my eyes. I hear a _shh _sound and realize I'm being coaxed back to reality.

Fingers intertwine with mine and squeeze. I squeeze back.

"Sebastian," I mumble, my breathing evening out. He is my light in the darkness. I'm safe.

I'm pulled from the heavy water, my nightmare crumbling away and vanishing from my conscience. The scent of perfume invades my nostrils as I realize it isn't Sebastian who sits upon my bed. I open my eyes.

Elizabeth is the one holding my hand in comfort, looking at me with utmost concern. Instinctively my free hand shoots up to cover my ruined eye, and I break from Elizabeth's grip to retrieve my eye patch from the bedside table. I tie it around my head run my fingers through my hair.

"You called me Sebastian." Elizabeth is scrunching her nose, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Are you alright, Ciel?"

Humiliated, I offer a sheepish smile. "I've grown accustomed to waking to Sebastian. I apologize. I'm quite alright, just had a bit of a nightmare is all."

My cheeks are burning and I'm grateful that it's dark in my bedroom and Elizabeth won't be able to make out a detail so small. Unconvinced, she places a hand over my forehead.

"You're burning up. I knew something was wrong when Sebastian told me you'd gone to bed early. You must be ill," Elizabeth concludes.

I sigh and swing my legs over the bed, pushing my wife's hand away. "I assure you I'm in good health. We all have our off days."

"Let me take care of you," Elizabeth insists, once more taking my hands in hers.

"Don't trouble yourself, love. Where is Sebastian?"

Elizabeth stands up and pushes me back onto the mattress. She says sternly, "_I'm _taking care of you tonight. I told him to leave you to me."

On one hand I'm a bit relieved that Sebastian won't be coming up tonight, as I have not regained my appetite. On the other hand, my stomach sinks in disappointment. I wanted to have Sebastian with me during night hours when he isn't busy and there is a part of me that craves his undivided attention. I really _must _be ill.

"Go back to sleep, Ciel. I'll be right beside you in case you need anything." Elizabeth slides into bed with me, resting her head on my chest and wrapping an arm over my waist. Though it isn't entirely unpleasant, I hadn't envisioned spending my night with Elizabeth stuck to me like glue. Her perfume is assaulting and I constantly hold back the need to sneeze. I silently pray morning comes fast so that I may be alone again.

* * *

><p>It's well past waking hours, but Sebastian hasn't come in to get me prepared for the day. I've managed to free myself from Elizabeth's suffocating grip; she lays on the other side of the bed, sprawled out like a dead eagle with her mouth hanging slightly open. She's a nightmare to sleep with, tossing and turning all hours of the night. Long minutes pass until I convince myself Sebastian isn't coming.<p>

I roll out of bed and pull my nightgown over my head, letting it fall onto the floor as I pull out my clothes from the closet. I struggle with the buttons on my shirt and vest, and tying my shoes turns out to be a total disaster—putting on a necktie was absolutely out of the question. I'm careful to exit quietly as to not wake Elizabeth, wandering the halls for a while until I give up and call out to him.

"Damn it, Sebastian, where are you?"

His response is immediate; my heart leaps upon hearing his voice. "I'm here, young master." He pauses and his eyes rake over me, glinting in amusement. "You look a right mess."

Fuming, I narrow my eye at him. "You are entirely to blame, Sebastian. Why weren't you there to assist me this morning?"

Sebastian feigns an apologetic expression. "I'm perfectly aware that you and Elizabeth spent the night together, and as such, I felt that I should not intrude. I apologize."

I sigh as Sebastian steps in front of me to properly adjust my clothing. "She was absolutely adamant on staying by my side the entire night. Should this situation repeat itself, don't worry about _intruding_."

"Of course, young master." Sebastian tilts my chin up, smoothing down my hair with his hand and parting my bangs to the side. My heart is beating so loudly I fear he may hear it. He makes a move to withdraw his hand, but without much thought I wrap my fingers around his wrist, pulling him closer until our faces are level with each other (though he still has a few inches over me) and I gnaw on my bottom lip anxiously. What am I doing? I can't bring myself to kiss him, though I want to and I've pictured it hundreds of times, but somehow it doesn't feel right to do it in the middle of the hallway. He's watching me expressionlessly and I wish that for _once _his face would give his thoughts away, but I get nothing.

"Ciel, dear?"

Sebastian yanks out of my grip and straightens his posture, standing dutifully in front of me as my wife comes into view, still in her night clothes. I clear my throat, then grab Elizabeth by the shoulders and steer her in the direction of her bedroom.

"What's wrong with you, Elizabeth? It's not very lady-like of you to walk around in this state. I'll call Paula to dress you."

"I wanted you to be there when I woke, but you were gone," Elizabeth grumbles. I mutter an apology without meaning and turn to look over my shoulder in hopes of exchanging glances, but Sebastian has already gone.

Elizabeth joins me for breakfast an hour later, blathering excitedly about an upcoming ball and she is utterly insistent on my accompanying her. She goes on and on about dresses and accessories, her eyes lighting up at the prospect of me wearing a ridiculous matching outfit with a million layers of suffocating frills. I shudder at the thought.

After breakfast Elizabeth leaves with Paula to do more shopping and I stalk back to my study, where I spend the rest of the day alone. It is evening. I have long given up on paperwork, deciding that it was a good time to stop. It is almost dinner time, and I should be heading down to the table—as soon as I rid myself of this nuisance.

I glance down at the bulge in my pants with a scowl. I haven't the slightest clue what I find so arousing, as documents and papers don't particularly excite me. Elizabeth will be arriving at any moment, and I don't know what I'll do should she find me in this state. In the back of my mind I know I'm probably still stuck on the events from this morning—Sebastian's face so close to mine, how we almost kiss.

Did we almost kiss? I feel quite silly for wondering that, but I am left flustered by the thought nonetheless.

I unzip my fly and grudgingly shove my hand in my trousers, stroking myself with the least enthusiasm I could manage. My mind is vacant of any sexual thoughts and the whole ordeal is quite dull. With a grumble, I remove my hand from the tight confines of my trousers and slump against the back of my chair, my still rigid cock exposed to the cool air of the room. I don't want to make a mess of myself and I know that with a simple order it could all go away, but I feel morbid just thinking about it. Would it be abusive on my part to issue out such order? Sebastian can't deny me, no matter how bizarre the request. It's not so much his loss of respect towards me that worries me, rather the loss of respect for my very self. I'm a married man with a beautiful wife yet I possess only the urge to seek the assistance of my butler for such needs—_ha_!

My erection begins to throb, and I glare at it; it seems to glare back at me.

"You win," I hiss, then adjust my necktie and clear my throat as I sit up straighter. "Oi, Sebastian."

The door opens momentarily. "My lord?"

He steps in, his eyes raking over me. I wait for any change in his expression or even the slightest smirk to send him away with a slap, but he gives away nothing.

"I... require something," I say slowly.

"Oh?" Sebastian prompts, eyebrow raising.

"This." I gesture to my pathetically large erection. "Fix this."

Sebastian tilts his head to the side. "By fix, how do you mean, my lord? Be more specific."

I snort, unamused. "Obviously I did not call you here to have you help me put my genitals back in my pants. Now, stop wasting time and get on with it, Elizabeth should be arriving any minute."

"If not that, then what is it that you want, young master? You can't expect me to read your mind." Sebastian smiles sweetly, but the gesture is anything but.

I scowl. "God damn it, Sebastian, I want to come!"

Finally, I am greeted by the detestable smirk I should like to slap off the demon's face. "Why, all you had to do was say so." Sebastian approaches me slowly, bringing his wrist to his mouth to remove his gloves, his eyes fixed on me as they flash a bright red so intense it has me squirming in my chair, my cock twitching in anticipation.

I hadn't expect him to comply so easily. I know Sebastian has morals—or something like that—and I feared that he may be disgusted by me so blatantly cheating on my wife, and with him, no less! But, looking at him now, I notice he appears as apprehensive as I am.

Sebastian kneels in front of me, swiftly undoing my necktie and the first few buttons of my shirt, taking advantage of the exposure to place soft kisses to my neck, trailing down to my collarbones and back up, causing me to shiver. The demon nips at the skin of my throat, tongue darting out to lick over the bite mark. I moan quietly, horrified for a moment at the sound of my own pleasure until I realize Sebastian doesn't seem to mind it.

Sebastian then tends to my neglected erection, wrapping his fingers tightly around it and sliding his hand down and up, thumb brushing over the swollen tip. His lips never leave my neck, kissing and biting until I'm left with a flurry of sensations I can't process all at once, writhing under his touch and moaning like a little girl.

Sebastian continues to stroke me at an even pace, his free hand undoing the rest of the buttons of my shirt. His fingers tweak my nipple, later replaced by his mouth, and I gasp. Sebastian licks a trail from my nipple back to my neck, and I shiver, feeling myself coming undone with each quick steady pump of his hand. He nips at my earlobe, lacing his fingers through my hair, and I feel my chest tighten and my stomach leap and before I know it I'm spilling all over his hand with a shameless cry.

I take a few moments to collect myself as Sebastian retrieves a handkerchief from his breast pocket and wipes his hand. He smirks.

I zip my trousers, my face hot. "All in a matter of seconds," I mumble grudgingly. A bit of an exaggeration, of course, but I feel as though an ounce of my pride diminished as I came much too quickly. A large part of me is disappointed, as I was hoping Sebastian and I would share a kiss I had fantasized about only hours before. Perhaps he didn't do it because that isn't what I requested.

"Nothing to be ashamed of," Sebastian assures me. Before I can blink twice, my shirt buttons are done up and my clothing smoothed out to its usual perfection; no one would know anyone had laid a hand on me.

"In fact, I daresay you have quite the timing."

I arch an eyebrow just as I hear my wife noisily burst into the room.

"Oh, Ciel, wait till you see what I've bought for you!" she gushes excitedly, dumping the contents of a bag onto my desk.

"I can hardly contain my excitement," I mutter as I rub my temples. So much for having a moment of peace.

Sebastian offers me a slight bow as he retreats, leaving me alone with a blathering Elizabeth.

"I want us to match tomorrow when my parents come over for dinner."

I blanch, gaping at Elizabeth, my focus completely torn from the silky garments on the desk to Elizabeth's gleeful face. "_What_?"

Elizabeth frowns, taking a seat on the chair in front of my desk, her hands holding a peach colored dress. "Have you forgotten? I've reminded you more than once, Ciel."

I hold back the urge to groan. I offer a half-hearted smile. "Of course I remember."

"Good. There are a lot of things I need to make sure you understand." Elizabeth places the dress atop the other garments, folding her hands over her lap, clearly meaning business.

I lean back into my chair, giving her my full attention. "What's that, love?"

"First, you have to be on your best behavior. I don't want to see Mr. Stressed-Out Ciel. I want happy, smiling Ciel." I almost inform her that she's asking for the impossible, but I hold my tongue. "Secondly, Sebastian needs to groom that long hair of his. You know how Mother feels about that."

"Yes, she does seem to express her dislike for it quite often," I mumble, a remark that goes unnoticed.

"Remember that ball I told you about? My parents and brother should like to attend, so if they ask you about it, _please _act like you know exactly what they're referring to."

I act appalled. "I _do _remember—" Elizabeth purses her lips. "—er, got it."

Elizabeth grins. "Good. Now, let me show you exactly what you'll be wearing."

* * *

><p>The manor is eerily silent in the night time. It is midnight; I'm creeping down the long flight of stairs and heading towards the kitchen. Though I'm not proud of what I'm about to do, nothing is going to change my mind. I enter the dark kitchen, not bothering to turn on any lights. Standing on my tiptoes, I open the cabinet and rummage through the many bottles, mulling over which one to choose.<p>

"Ah yes, let's all be hung-over in the presence of the Midfords."

I sigh, bottle in my hand, and close the cabinet with a silent click. I examine the label thoughtfully. I've drank a number of things, ranging from the finest wines to the classiest champagne, but I'd never once tried whiskey. I turn around to face my nagging butler.

"Should I be _that _intoxicated, Sebastian, I'll have plenty of time to recover before her parents show up." I pour some of the liquid into a small glass cup. "Dinner with the in-laws isn't exactly a festivity," I mutter as an afterthought.

Sebastian eyes me thoughtfully. "I can't tell you what to do, young master. Just think rationally."

"It's just a little drink," I assure him. A heavy silence follows, Sebastian's red eyes on me. Images from earlier in the afternoon run through my mind and I feel my face heating up. I've seen no change in his demeanor, but that is to be expected of him. I can't be sure what his true feelings are—what if he is utterly disgusted by what I asked him to do? Surely he mustn't like it. Nobody should like to be used. Does he feel used? I wonder.

Sebastian breaks the gaze finally, closing his eyes and giving a small sigh. "If you say so. Please get some sleep tonight. Sweet dreams, young master." Sebastian smiles, bows, and leaves me alone in the dark.

My heart is thudding, hand gripping the glass tightly. He smiled at me. He never smiles. He smirks, yes. He sneers; he gloats. But a smile? And one so genuine. Surely I must be imagining things.

I bring the cup a few inches below my nose, breathing in the scent. My guts churn; the smell isn't exactly inviting. Holding my breath, I gulp down the liquid. It burns all the way down, and I feel a momentary fuzziness in my head. I grimace, wondering if I should continue. Finally I decide it wasn't so bad, and I fill the cup a little taller and down it once again. The fuzziness comes and goes and I find that I rather enjoy that feeling. I must have repeated that process five times before I put the whiskey bottle in the cupboard and placed the glass in the sink.

As I walk up the stairs I notice the ground is shifting.

"Whoa." I steady myself, using the railing to support my weight until I make it back to my bedroom. I feel pleasantly warm, although the room is spinning. I crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.

When I wake the following morning, I'm hung-over-free, and I make sure to rub it in Sebastian's face.

Sebastian only gives a small chuckle as he prepares my bath. "You got lucky this time, my lord."

"No, you're just wrong." I smile. I like the sound of Sebastian being wrong—as long as I'm the one who's right.

I spend the next couple of hours doing light work, making sure to stay true to my promise to Elizabeth to be stress-free for the day. It is five in the evening now, and I'm staring at my reflection in pure horror.

"Bloody hell," I mutter disapprovingly. "I feel like a bloody girl."

"You look _so _adorable," Elizabeth assures me, though I flinch at the term. I cannot be certain how many gentlemen wish to be called _adorable_. I am covered in silky smooth clothes, absolutely full of frills and shiny buttons. I am wearing pale colors which are flattering in the very least, but alas, I am matching Elizabeth's own outfit and I'm satisfied so long as she's happy.

"Your parents ought to ridicule me the moment they lay eyes on me," I groan, turning away from my traitorous reflection.

"I think you look dashing," Sebastian pipes in, escorting the both of us out of the room as we make our way down the stairs. The irony in his voice is almost tangible; I hear him sniggering as I shoot him a murderous glance.

"See? Even Sebastian thinks so." Elizabeth says happily, standing in front of the front doors as she loops her arm through mine.

"Oh please. He's full of shite!"

"Goodness me. Language!" I blanch as I see Lady Midford at the door, Sebastian extending his arm to take her coat. I want to slap him for letting her in at the most inopportune time possible.

"Right. Sorry," I say sheepishly as Elizabeth scowls.

"Ciel Phantomhive," Lady Midford says curtly as she gives me a once-over. "I see you are as sharp-tongued as ever."

My eyebrow twitches. "It's a pleasure to see you again." I smile.

Lady Midford hums but doesn't return the pleasantry. She gives Elizabeth a tight hug, soon followed by Edward, Elizabeth's older brother, who ignores me completely.

"Where's father?" I hear Elizabeth ask as I lead them to the dining room.

"I'm afraid he's fallen ill, and terribly so. But he insisted we come to see you. He sends his love." Lady Midford scrutinizes me yet again as she takes a seat on the table. I shift uncomfortably as I pull a chair out for Elizabeth and wait for her to sit. "That's an interesting outfit, Ciel."

Edward sniggers, and all color drains my face. God, if you're up there, please strike me with lightning and end this now.

"Isn't it, though?" Elizabeth says, oblivious. "I picked it out."

Sebastian walks back into the room, beginning to place food on the table. His hair is plastered to the sides of his head, no doubt wanting to please Lady Midford's taste. She makes no comment on his appearance, much to my relief and undoubtedly his own, as well.

There is casual chatter as the four of us eat, and I pipe in when necessary, but Elizabeth dominates most of the conversation.

"I want to hear about you, Ciel," Lady Midford says suddenly, and I pause with my fork in midair, suddenly nervous. I compose myself quickly and say, "What do you wish to know, my lady?"

"Surely you must have some plans that don't involve your company—no offense," she says, nodding towards me to assure me she has nothing but heartfelt intentions.

"Plans?" I repeat skeptically. "What do you mean?"

"Regarding your personal life, of course."

"Of course," I agree, though I still don't follow.

"For instance… children," Lady Midford continues.

I nearly drop my fork. "Pardon?"

Lady Midford gives a dry laugh as her eyes flicker from me to Elizabeth, who bows her head as if she is guiltily involved. "Surely you must want to keep your bloodline going. Am I wrong?"

The silence in the room is stiff and the air is suddenly thick in my lungs. Edward's narrowing his eyes at me, Elizabeth is uncomfortably looking away and Lady Midford scrutinizes me with cold eyes. Even Sebastian is watching me, a surprised expression on his face equal to mine. I, Ciel Phantomhive, have never wished to die until this very moment.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I feel like I used the word "refuse" too much, and if it seems a little redundant, I apologize! I couldn't think of a synonym that would serve as a better replacement. Also, to clear up a question someone left me in my reviews (you were logged in under Guest so I couldn't address you directly) Devil's Dealings was taken down so that I can rewrite it. Don't worry, it will be back up as soon as I've completed it. :)**

**I apologize that the story is moving slow, and it's very short, but the plot is juuuust starting to build up, so don't worry, soon everything will come together and it will be much longer! I find that the beginning of a story always moves slowly. **

**As always, feel free to point out any mistakes found below. Share your opinions, I'd love to hear them. :)**

Chapter Three

Following the pregnant pause is a sharp intake of breath from my wife, who sets her fork down on her plate quite aggressively with a clink.

"Clearly it isn't something Ciel wants to discuss, so may we talk about something else, Mother?"

"No, no," I say quickly, inwardly cringing as all eyes return to me. "Your question caught me by surprise; that is all."

No one speaks; they simply stare expectantly.

I sigh. "In all honestly it isn't something I've given much thought to. Elizabeth has never brought up the subject so it never crossed my mind."

"Really?" Lady Midford glances pointedly at Elizabeth. "I'm surprised to hear that, since it's all I've been hearing about lately. Her highly enthused letters on the matter prove that, indeed, it _is_ something that crosses her mind."

Elizabeth takes a nervous sip of her drink, bowing her head shamefully. I feel displeased that she would hide her thoughts from me but at the same time I cannot blame her, as it is blatantly apparent I've never taken an interest in children.

For the remainder of dinner, Elizabeth is much less enthusiastic and seldom speaks, nodding her head here and there while her mother talks and Edward narrows his eyes at me. After they've gone, Elizabeth locks herself in her bedroom and refuses to let anyone in, even Paula. I give up eventually and tap Elizabeth's door as I bid her goodnight, retreating to my own bedroom.

I sit on the edge of my mattress; Sebastian begins to remove my shoes. I place my predecessor's ring on the bedside table and tear off my eye patch, staring down at my now naked hands.

"Are you quite well, young master?" Sebastian inquires as he moves down the long row of buttons on my shirt.

"Elizabeth is upset with me. I don't understand why. She's the one who was hiding her thoughts from me," I confess. Sebastian peers at me intently, offering his full confidence and attentiveness. Sebastian knows the entirety of my being; he holds all of my darkest secrets and troubles with a silence that shall never be broken. He, my only confidant for years, should never betray me.

"I assume it is because she senses your disposition in gracing her with a child," Sebastian proposes.

I scoff. "Can you blame me? I still hear them, Sebastian. The voices. My mind is muddled with terrors of my past; I am living out the same fate as my father, for he too was riddled with demons, and even his predecessor..." I trail off, tracing the empty spot on my thumb where my sapphire ring usually resides. "This is the curse that will forever come with the Phantomhive name, and when I die and you take me, the monsters that haunt me will cease to exist. If anything, I'm sparing Elizabeth from having to ever acknowledge this bitter reality, lest she live to witness not only my death, but her son's…"

Sebastian stands, peering down at me through low-lidded eyes. "I understand completely. I am in no position to offer you guidance, but perhaps if you shared this reasoning with her she may calm down." He reaches for the candelabra, preparing to leave me to rest.

I hug my knees to my chest, racking my brain for the right words to properly formulate my question. As Sebastian opens the door, I say, "Why don't you kill me once and for all, Sebastian? Elizabeth wouldn't have to know the truth—" I stop abruptly when Sebastian casts a glare so cold in my direction that I cringe under its intensity and draw in a sharp breath. His irises flashed as bright as the flames of Hell themselves; and without being dismissed, he retreats wordlessly.

I crawl under the blankets, squeezing my eyes shut as if I could permanently block out the image of those red eyes burning into my subconscious.

* * *

><p>There is still no change in Sebastian's demeanor, even despite his anger last night—or what I presume to be anger. He addresses me with his usual grin, cool voice, and collected composure. I'd never known Sebastian to be angry with me; it is almost as frightening as the wrath in his eyes, and though it isn't something I wish to repeat, I need answers. I should have long been dead; every day that I walk the earth feels like I'm forever on my journey to my prolonged death sentence, only its arrival date is a complete mystery. I could die at any moment, couldn't I? And yet… I have no recollection of fulfilling my wish for vengeance. I have no recollection of anything that occurred in the last few years.<p>

I'm not a fan of mystery. My life as well as my predecessors' lives revolved around clues and solutions and concrete answers—I have nothing. Not the slightest hint, not the most minute inkling as to what exactly I had lived through to still remain the rightful owner of my own soul. Are my parents' murderers still out there, very much alive? Has it been years since I've rid the earth of them, has my vengeance been completed?

Every time I try to think about my life before I was sixteen, I quite literally come up blank. It is as if there's a missing piece in my mind, ripped away from my conscience and dispelled into nothingness, never to be regained try as I might. Sebastian proves to be of no help, refusing to answer my questions, and, as of last night, becoming angry when I mention my death. Even if I order him to tell me, he merely stares at me, as if it has no effect on him at all. I don't understand and it is driving me crazy. My existence would have no meaning if I am alive simply to _live_. No, that privilege died along with my parents, and then my sole purpose in breathing was to bring their killers to the grave… It must mean that they are alive and it has taken me this many years to accomplish it—no, I've gotten nowhere.

If I had completed my wish years ago I would not be here, now, _longing _to abandon this life and start another, perhaps in a parallel universe where Sebastian isn't my butler and I am not contracted to a devil, I'd instead be somewhere remote and quiet with Sebastian as my companion; the days are long and nights are short and the god forsaken voices in my head don't exist. But those are all just fantasies I keep in my head to escape from my nonsensical reality.

"Ciel?"

I blink my eye and turn to the side; Elizabeth has just sat at the table beside me, her hand placed gingerly over mine. I assume she has finally gotten over her childish tantrum from the previous night, so I smile at her.

"Good morning, love. Feeling better?"

Elizabeth withdraws her hand and nods, taking a sip of her hot coffee before she begins to eat her breakfast. "I'm sorry about that. Mother just got me a little shaken up, is all."

"She does have a knack for that," I remark, flipping idly through the newspaper.

"I was wondering if maybe you'd join me for lunch, since you always eat alone in your study…" my wife trails off and huffs, clearly disliking the fact I prefer to take my lunches in solitary. "I'd like to speak with you."

I grow a little nervous, aware of the subject she wishes to talk to me about. My eyes instinctively flicker towards Sebastian, who stops what he's doing in favor of flashing me a reassuring smile. At that, my thoughts turn to puddle and drain away as I can only focus on one thing: that smile. My heart skips a beat, my face becomes a degree warmer and I avert my eyes awkwardly, a pathetic display in totality. When I look up at my butler again, his smile is gone, and I'm almost fully convinced that I've been daydreaming so often these last few days I'm starting to visualize his smiles as well. They're too genuine… too human; and the most frightening part about it is seeing this after having been scared out of my wits last night just by the look in his eyes.

"Ciel, can you give me one sign that you heard anything I just said?"

Elizabeth's voice sounds like a buzzing in my ear. I tear my gaze away from the demon and meet my wife's aggravated eyes. "My mind is elsewhere," I admit, folding my newspaper on the table. "I heard you and I will meet you for lunch." As I stand, I place a chaste kiss on Elizabeth's cheek and retreat to my study.

I curse as I have to return to the beginning of a paragraph for the third time, my mind refusing to register the words my eyes absently skim over. I have too many thoughts running through my mind—my life, my purpose, my loss of memory, Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian…

I bring my fist down on the table roughly, causing a few papers to scatter onto the floor. Damn him! I know he has all of the answers. I just don't know why he hides them from me. Our relationship has strengthened over the years; the bond between us is like steel, unbreakable, so why should there be secrets? It almost isn't fair.

After the last few intimate "requests" I made of the demon I thought (or hoped) that the trust between us would grow. I realize now how silly I was for thinking that; Sebastian isn't a human and therefore he does not reason like one.

Lunch hour arrives faster than I anticipated. I never quite finished reading that damned paragraph thoroughly, but all of that seems more meaningless to me day by day. Everything around me pertains to the future, _my _future, and the irony of it makes me downright _ill_ because I was never _supposed _to have a future. But alas, I must be forced to hear of it, speak of it, and await it.

I feel my face pale when I reach the foot of the stairs. I realize I should have never brought Elizabeth into this household. I should have rejected her—I should have told her to find her happiness elsewhere, as she can only hope to find heartbreak with me. I don't know why Sebastian is keeping me alive and I can't help but feel as though this is some kind of cruel punishment, perhaps his way of payback for something I've done in the past to displease him. The fact that I seem to have this mysterious amnesia about only a particular period of my life only deepens my suspicions, and I have a feeling that my amnesia and my continued existence are very much related.

I try to summon inner peace as I approach the dinner table, taking deep breaths to steady my nerves. My anxiety has only gotten worse, not better, and I have to calm myself down lest I suffer an unwanted asthma attack. As much fun as it would be to gulp for air like a fish out of water in front of my wife, I think I'll spare myself the humiliation.

Elizabeth greets me with a warm smile. I take a seat beside her as one of our servants sets the table. Ever since Elizabeth moved into the manor, she has taken it upon herself to hire her own helping hand. I didn't object because I saw no real reason to; the new servants were much more competent around the house than the three Sebastian and I picked.

"You're pale," Elizabeth comments, taking a swig of her lemonade. "I've noticed recently that you've been looking ill these days. You're all pasty."

"Thanks."

"You know I'm just worried about you."

"You needn't be. Now, what is it you'd like to discuss? I've got a lot of work to do." It was a lie, but I wasn't in high spirits—as my wife so kindly pointed out—and there were too many, much more pressing matters in my mind that I needed to sort out before I could waste time talking about a pointless future that should not exist in the first place.

"About what Mother said…" Elizabeth breaks our gaze to stare down at her slim hands, which were pulling and twisting at a napkin. "I just want you to disregard it."

I wasn't expecting that. "What?"

Elizabeth sighs. "It's true; I wrote to her about my thoughts on starting a family, I did. But I never intended for her to open her mouth about it, much less to make it seem like these were upcoming plans of mine." She turned to look into my eyes. "Ciel, I know what a busy man you are. And I know that the thought of being a father frightens you. And that's okay. We're young, right? We have all the time in the world." She smiles.

I find myself speechless, wanting to say, _No, Elizabeth, we don't, _but my tongue is frozen inside of my mouth.


	4. Brief Authors Note

Hello to you all! I just want to say I am so ashamed for going so long without updating. During Christmas break I was out of town without my computer and I wasn't able to do any writing at all. After I came back I had a lot going on with school, and then I got a job! So I've been majorly busy but don't worry, I'm not planning on quitting this story; I have too many ideas for it! It may be updated with very slow progress, but I hope that all of you who read it enjoy it enough to stick with it.

I've been writing every day in all my classes inside of a notebook I carry, so it's just a matter of transferring my writing into my laptop, revising it, correcting it, etc. Tomorrow I'm off work so I should be able to upload the next chapter. Hope you guys look forward to it :)


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